Two old ladies, Sunny and Tina, were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain.
Tina pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Sunny: "What's that?"
Tina: "A condom."
Sunny: "Where'd you get it?"
Tina: "You can get them at any chemist"
The next day, Sunny hobbled into the local chemist and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a pack of condoms.
The guy looked at her strangely (she was, after all, in her eighties), but politely asked what brand she preferred.
"Doesn't matter," she replied, "as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Wrong Number
A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.
On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"
"No," replied the trainee.
"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"
The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!"
"No." replied the CEO indignantly.
"Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.
On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"
"No," replied the trainee.
"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"
The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!"
"No." replied the CEO indignantly.
"Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.
Friday, May 25, 2007
Salaries - Which type do you associate yours with??
Onion Salary
you see it, you grad it... then you cry!
Bastard Salary
Doesn't help you in anything, just makes you suffer, but you can't live without it.
Diet Salary
Makes you eat less each time.
Atheist Salary
You doubt its existence!
Magic Salary
You make a few moves and voila, it disappears!
Storm Salary
You don't know when it's coming and how long it'll last.
Black Humour Salary
You laugh so you don't cry!
Conservative Salary
Takes your inspiration away!
Impotent Salary
When you need it the most, it fails you.
Menstrual Salary
Comes once a month and lasts about 3 days
Walt Disney Salary
It's been frozen for 30 years!
Permature Ejaculation Salary
Just when it starts, it's over!
you see it, you grad it... then you cry!
Bastard Salary
Doesn't help you in anything, just makes you suffer, but you can't live without it.
Diet Salary
Makes you eat less each time.
Atheist Salary
You doubt its existence!
Magic Salary
You make a few moves and voila, it disappears!
Storm Salary
You don't know when it's coming and how long it'll last.
Black Humour Salary
You laugh so you don't cry!
Conservative Salary
Takes your inspiration away!
Impotent Salary
When you need it the most, it fails you.
Menstrual Salary
Comes once a month and lasts about 3 days
Walt Disney Salary
It's been frozen for 30 years!
Permature Ejaculation Salary
Just when it starts, it's over!
Pre-school kids are more observant
PRE-SCHOOL TEST
Pre-school children were asked the following question:
"In which direction is the bus pictured below traveling?"
Look carefully at the picture.
Do you know the answer?
The only possible answers are "left" or "right."
Think about it
Still don't know?
Okay, I'll tell you.
The pre-schoolers all answered "right"
When asked, "Why do you think the bus is traveling in the right direction?"
they answered:
"Because you can't see the door."
Feel pretty stupid now, don't you?
Me too.
Anyway don't feel too bad. It just a test to reduce your stress
Pre-school children were asked the following question:
"In which direction is the bus pictured below traveling?"
Look carefully at the picture.
Do you know the answer?
The only possible answers are "left" or "right."
Think about it
Still don't know?
Okay, I'll tell you.
The pre-schoolers all answered "right"
When asked, "Why do you think the bus is traveling in the right direction?"
they answered:
"Because you can't see the door."
Feel pretty stupid now, don't you?
Me too.
Anyway don't feel too bad. It just a test to reduce your stress
Chinese Name + english Name
Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan(anyone)?
Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller : No, I want to speak to Annie Wan (anyone)!
Operator : You are talking to someone! Who is this?
Caller : I'm Sam Wan (Someone). And I need to talk to Annie Wan (anyone)! It's urgent.
Operator : I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller : Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan (anyone) that our brother Noel Wan (no one)has involved in an accident. Noel Wan (no one)got injured and now Noel Wan (no one) is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan (everyone) is on his way to the hospital.
Operator : Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller : You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator : I'm Saw Lee (Sorry).
Caller : Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!
Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller : No, I want to speak to Annie Wan (anyone)!
Operator : You are talking to someone! Who is this?
Caller : I'm Sam Wan (Someone). And I need to talk to Annie Wan (anyone)! It's urgent.
Operator : I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller : Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan (anyone) that our brother Noel Wan (no one)has involved in an accident. Noel Wan (no one)got injured and now Noel Wan (no one) is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan (everyone) is on his way to the hospital.
Operator : Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller : You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator : I'm Saw Lee (Sorry).
Caller : Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Narayana Murthy on working life
(Narayana Murthy is CEO of India's premier IT company Infosys Technologies. He is also one of the top 50 influential people in Asia and the new IT Advisor to the Thai prime minister.)
'I know people who work 12 hours a day, six days a week, or more. Some people do so because of a work emergency where the long hours are only temporary. Other people I know have put in these hours for years!!! I don't know if they are working all these hours, but I do know they are in the office this long. Others put in long office hours because they are addicted to the workplace.
Whatever the reason for putting in overtime, working long hours over the long term is harmful to the person and to the organization. There are things managers can do to change this for everyone's benefit. Being in the office long hours, over long periods of time, makes way for potential errors. My colleagues who are in the office long hours frequently makemistakes caused by fatigue. Correcting these mistakes requires their time as well as the time and energy of others. I have seen people work Tuesday through Friday to correct mistakes made after 5 PM on Monday.
Another problem is that people who are in the office long hours are NOT pleasant company. They often complain about other people (who aren't working as hard); they are irritable, or cranky, or even angry. Other people avoid them. Such behaviour poses problems, where work goes much better when people work together instead of avoiding one another. As Managers, there are things we can do to help people leave the office. First and foremost is to set the example and go home ourselves. I work with a manager who chides (scolds) people for working long hours. His words quickly lose their meaning when he sends these chiding group e-mails with a time-stamp of 2 AM, Sunday. Second is to encourage people to put some
BALANCE in their lives. For instance, here is a guideline I find helpful:
1) Wake up, eat a good breakfast, and go to work.
2) Work hard and smart for eight or nine hours.
3) Go home.
4) Read the books/comics, watch a funny movie, dig in the dirt, play with (your) kids, etc.
5) Eat well and sleep well.
This is called recreating. Doing steps 1, 3, 4, and 5 enable step 2. Working regular hours and recreating daily are simple concepts. They are hard for some of us because that requires 'personal change'. They are possible since we all have the power to choose to do them. In considering the issue of overtime, I am reminded of my oldest son.
When he was a toddler, if people were visiting the apartment, he would not fall asleep no matter how long the visit, and no matter what time of day it was. He would fight off sleep until the visitors left. It was as if he was afraid that he would miss something. Once our visitors' left, he would go to sleep. By this time, however, he was over tired and would scream through half the night with nightmares. He, my wife, and I, all paid the price for his fear of missing out.
Perhaps some people put in such long hours because they don't want to miss anything when they leave the office. The trouble with this is that events will NEVER stop happening. That is life !! Things happen 24 hours a day. Allowing for little rest is not ultimately practical. So, take a nap. Things will happen while you're asleep, but you will have the energy to catch up when you wake.
Hence 'LOVE YOUR JOB BUT NEVER FALL IN LOVE WITH YOUR COMPANY'. Live a life like you should and love ... you only live once in this role of life.'
'I know people who work 12 hours a day, six days a week, or more. Some people do so because of a work emergency where the long hours are only temporary. Other people I know have put in these hours for years!!! I don't know if they are working all these hours, but I do know they are in the office this long. Others put in long office hours because they are addicted to the workplace.
Whatever the reason for putting in overtime, working long hours over the long term is harmful to the person and to the organization. There are things managers can do to change this for everyone's benefit. Being in the office long hours, over long periods of time, makes way for potential errors. My colleagues who are in the office long hours frequently makemistakes caused by fatigue. Correcting these mistakes requires their time as well as the time and energy of others. I have seen people work Tuesday through Friday to correct mistakes made after 5 PM on Monday.
Another problem is that people who are in the office long hours are NOT pleasant company. They often complain about other people (who aren't working as hard); they are irritable, or cranky, or even angry. Other people avoid them. Such behaviour poses problems, where work goes much better when people work together instead of avoiding one another. As Managers, there are things we can do to help people leave the office. First and foremost is to set the example and go home ourselves. I work with a manager who chides (scolds) people for working long hours. His words quickly lose their meaning when he sends these chiding group e-mails with a time-stamp of 2 AM, Sunday. Second is to encourage people to put some
BALANCE in their lives. For instance, here is a guideline I find helpful:
1) Wake up, eat a good breakfast, and go to work.
2) Work hard and smart for eight or nine hours.
3) Go home.
4) Read the books/comics, watch a funny movie, dig in the dirt, play with (your) kids, etc.
5) Eat well and sleep well.
This is called recreating. Doing steps 1, 3, 4, and 5 enable step 2. Working regular hours and recreating daily are simple concepts. They are hard for some of us because that requires 'personal change'. They are possible since we all have the power to choose to do them. In considering the issue of overtime, I am reminded of my oldest son.
When he was a toddler, if people were visiting the apartment, he would not fall asleep no matter how long the visit, and no matter what time of day it was. He would fight off sleep until the visitors left. It was as if he was afraid that he would miss something. Once our visitors' left, he would go to sleep. By this time, however, he was over tired and would scream through half the night with nightmares. He, my wife, and I, all paid the price for his fear of missing out.
Perhaps some people put in such long hours because they don't want to miss anything when they leave the office. The trouble with this is that events will NEVER stop happening. That is life !! Things happen 24 hours a day. Allowing for little rest is not ultimately practical. So, take a nap. Things will happen while you're asleep, but you will have the energy to catch up when you wake.
Hence 'LOVE YOUR JOB BUT NEVER FALL IN LOVE WITH YOUR COMPANY'. Live a life like you should and love ... you only live once in this role of life.'
Monday, May 21, 2007
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Reprint: 16 Thing That Make Me Years To Learn
1- You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight-savings time.
2- You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from
her at that moment.
3- The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
4- The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep
down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
5- There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
6- There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
7- People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
want you to share yours with them.
8- If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race
has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word
would be "meetings."
9- The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy
people who are not in them.
10- If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of
its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will
not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
11- You should not confuse your career with your life.
12- A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person.
13- No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.
14- When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one
individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very
often, that individual is crazy.
15- Your friends love you, anyway.
16- Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance
reason why we observe daylight-savings time.
2- You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from
her at that moment.
3- The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
4- The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep
down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
5- There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
6- There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
7- People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
want you to share yours with them.
8- If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race
has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word
would be "meetings."
9- The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy
people who are not in them.
10- If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of
its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will
not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
11- You should not confuse your career with your life.
12- A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person.
13- No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.
14- When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one
individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very
often, that individual is crazy.
15- Your friends love you, anyway.
16- Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance
HOW TO RECRUIT THE RIGHT PERSON FOR THE JOB?
Put about 100 bricks in no particular order in a closed room with an open window.
Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door.
Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation.
If they are counting the bricks. Put them in the Accounts Department.
If they are recounting them..Put them in Auditing.
If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks. Put them in Engineering.
If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order. Put them in Planning.
If they are throwing the bricks at each other. Put them in Operations.
if they are sleeping. Put them in Security.
If they have broken the bricks into pieces. Put them in Information Technology.
If they are sitting idle. Put them in Human Resources.
If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved. Put them in Sales.
If they have already left for the day. Put them in Marketing.
If they are staring out of the window. Put them on Strategic Planning.
And then last but not least.
If they are standing around talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved.....
Congratulate them and put them in Top Management.
Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door.
Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation.
If they are counting the bricks. Put them in the Accounts Department.
If they are recounting them..Put them in Auditing.
If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks. Put them in Engineering.
If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order. Put them in Planning.
If they are throwing the bricks at each other. Put them in Operations.
if they are sleeping. Put them in Security.
If they have broken the bricks into pieces. Put them in Information Technology.
If they are sitting idle. Put them in Human Resources.
If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved. Put them in Sales.
If they have already left for the day. Put them in Marketing.
If they are staring out of the window. Put them on Strategic Planning.
And then last but not least.
If they are standing around talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved.....
Congratulate them and put them in Top Management.
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
New Virus - Life is beautiful.pps
New virus found in internet. Life is beautiful hoax or the power point file name as Life is beautiful. pps or Life is beautiful.pps
WARNING!!!!!! Please Be Extremely Careful especially if using internet mail such as Yahoo, Hotmail, AOL and so on.
This information is from Microsoft and Norton. Please send it to everybody you know who accesses the Internet.
You may receive an apparently harmless email with a Power Point presentation "Life is beautiful.pps ".
If you receive it DO NOT OPEN THE FILE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, and delete it immediately.
If you open this file, a message will appear on your screen saying: "It is too late now, your life is no longer beautiful ", subsequently you will LOSE EVERYTHING IN YOUR PC and the person who sent it to you gain access to your name, e-mail and password.
This is a new virus which started to circulate on Saturday afternoon WE NEED TO DO EVERYTHING POSSIBLE TO STOP THIS VIRUS. AOL has already confirmed the severity, and the antivirus Software's are not capable of destroying it.
The virus has been created by a hacker who calls himself " life owner ".PLEASE MAKE A COPY OF THIS EMAIL TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS and PASS IT ON IMMEDIATELY ? ?
WARNING!!!!!! Please Be Extremely Careful especially if using internet mail such as Yahoo, Hotmail, AOL and so on.
This information is from Microsoft and Norton. Please send it to everybody you know who accesses the Internet.
You may receive an apparently harmless email with a Power Point presentation "Life is beautiful.pps ".
If you receive it DO NOT OPEN THE FILE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, and delete it immediately.
If you open this file, a message will appear on your screen saying: "It is too late now, your life is no longer beautiful ", subsequently you will LOSE EVERYTHING IN YOUR PC and the person who sent it to you gain access to your name, e-mail and password.
This is a new virus which started to circulate on Saturday afternoon WE NEED TO DO EVERYTHING POSSIBLE TO STOP THIS VIRUS. AOL has already confirmed the severity, and the antivirus Software's are not capable of destroying it.
The virus has been created by a hacker who calls himself " life owner ".PLEASE MAKE A COPY OF THIS EMAIL TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS and PASS IT ON IMMEDIATELY ? ?
Thursday, May 3, 2007
Masculine or Feminine
A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine:
"la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine:
"el lapiz."
A student asked,
"What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether
"computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the
feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine
("el computador"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine:
"la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine:
"el lapiz."
A student asked,
"What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether
"computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the
feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine
("el computador"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
Online Game: How to become MCA President!! 马华总会长之路线上游戏
Just watch the news of the AEC Evening Editor(新闻报报看). The news today was introduce a new online game, How to become MCA President!! (马华总会长之路线上游戏). This is a game which you can become the president of the MCA for a week. The new president will be reset every week, which every monday one o'clock midnight.
Introduction of the game
This is a political simulation game, target is to defeat the entire user and become the MCA President within 7 days. Game will be reset every Monday one o’clock midnight.
Game last day, which is Sunday, system will organize a president election. The 10 most ballots users will be automatic selected as the candidate by the central. Users can vote their candidate with their ballot to come out a new president. Every 250 user will become a ballot for a candidate. Candidates who get the most ballots will become the President.
For more information, please visit http://presidentmca.com
Introduction of the game
This is a political simulation game, target is to defeat the entire user and become the MCA President within 7 days. Game will be reset every Monday one o’clock midnight.
Game last day, which is Sunday, system will organize a president election. The 10 most ballots users will be automatic selected as the candidate by the central. Users can vote their candidate with their ballot to come out a new president. Every 250 user will become a ballot for a candidate. Candidates who get the most ballots will become the President.
For more information, please visit http://presidentmca.com
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